Ive been in a real weird place the past couple of days. Most of it is probably because I've had a lot of time to think about things.
The farther along I am in school the more i think i wish i had gone to school for something else. I dont really care about psychology. I've learned a lot and have noticed that I apply it when thinking about situations and the ppl around me and just people in general.. but I dont particularly care about psychology or a career in it. I know I will end up going to grad school after this.. so maybe the shit tons of money ill be making after im done with school will give me a spark of interest in it ha. People say money doesnt make you happy.. and im sure it doesnt. But it can sure make doing something a lot more tolerable. Plus Ive been studying child psych this semester and its really interesting.. maybe a career in that.
I feel so weird about NOT being in college soon. Its scary. the past 4 years thats all I've known and lived. It's going to be so weird to not be with my girls and to have them all over the US. They wont be a 5 min drive away. It will take hours or plane rides to get to them.. and we will hardly ever be in the same place at once. Im betting the only time we will all be at one place is during our weddings and such. Its depressing to think about really. I love them. We've taken care of each other at our lowest of lows and our sadest of sad. We've also have the best time making memories together. They are the best group of girls any girl could have during college. We have become a family here.
After my time here at UT im not positive as to what I'm going to do. I know grad school will happen eventually.. but not immediately. Thats kind of scary too. Either I will go back to the Clarksville area or I'll move to St. Louis. Im thinking the second one. I know Clarksville. I know Nashville and for the most part.. I'm over it. And starting a new life is exciting and doing so with someone I care about more than I ever have is a great thing. We are on the same page. So why not? We want to take care of each other and make each other happy. I feel the best when I am with him or with my family & I feel like both bring out the best in me.
More than ever I feel like a lot of people dont understand me and theres only a select few that I trust with telling how I feel or what I think. The select few have been getting smaller and smaller in number lately. I dont think thats a horrible thing though. I think a lot of people dont understand me and my feelings because they havent gone through certain things I have. Some I think because they have already analyzed me and their opinion is already biased based on that or their idea of me is biased based on other things before even hearing me out or trying to understand where I come from. It's just real discouraging to have friends like that though. You dont know everything about me or about the things I do. So stop pretending you do before you hear me out. I guess this helps me surround myself with people who really do care about hearing me out and the people who do care about what makes me upset or what has made me happy.
I havent had any kind of drama in so long. Its really nice to delete those sorts of people from my life and how much easier life can be without it. I guess a lot of that is just part of myself growing up and not being a dramatic girl as well. Though, theres some things that dont seem to go away no matter how hard i try to delete it from my life. They are always there trailing behind or going out of their way to me to bring me down. And to that all I have to say is:
grow up & leave me alone. I am happy and doing so well these days. I have it all.. great family, great friends, great boyfriend, great school. I have fun and Ive smiled more in the past 6 months than i have in the past 5 years. It just amazes me how people can think about ruining me or my spirits so much. I could care less to do that to anyone these days. I am happy with myself and the ppl i surround myself with and thats all that really matters.
